A Dubious Record
by xenocidender
Summary: Harry has a bad day, and then has to explain it. To everyone. Just a strange oneshot that I thought of.


I don't own Harry Potter.

* * *

In Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, it was not unusual to see what most would consider an unusual sight. After all, it was a school of magic. However, most people would consider Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Lived and Chosen One, continually smashing his face into a plate of roast chicken rather odd. So, it is not surprising that, when presented with such a sight for an extended period of time, the assembled party of every student and professor of the school had at best disbelieving and at worst outright horrified expressions.

Crunch. Tap. Crunch. Tap. Crunch. "Mate." Crunch. "Mate." Crunch. "Harry?" Crunch!

"What?" Harry Potter had finally stopped his peculiar activity.

"Why are you bashing your chicken with your head?" Ronald Weasley, Harry's best friend, attempted to distract the Boy-Who-Lived from his previous activity. He also subtly attempted to liberate Harry's Chicken from its abusive environment.

"It seemed like a good idea." Harry, not so subtly, re-imprisoned his poultry.

"Why would it seem like a good idea?" Hermione decided to make her first foray into the conversation. She was subtly attempting to liberate his textbooks in case he should wish them harm.

"It all started early this morning. . ."

* * *

Early this morning.

"Ugh. I wish Voldemort would mind his own business sometimes." Harry Potter was in a word, disgruntled. Lord Voldemort had decided that it would be fun to force Harry to watch what was probably the most boring Death Eater raid in history. Seriously the group attacked an abandoned apartment building. Then they spent three hours searching every room to make sure it was abandoned. Amateurs. That's all off-topic however. Harry had by this time started to make his way down the stairs to the Common Room.

"Good Morning Harry!"

"Good Morning Col . . ." FLASH! Bang. Snap. Crunch. "Ow." Colin Creevey, Potter Groupie #22, decided that it would be a good idea to do some flash photography of his idol while said idol made his way down a nearly pitch black staircase. The end result was Harry Potter lying in an uncomfortable heap at the foot of previously stated staircase.

"Oh, I'm sorry Harry! Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Colin. . . Ow." Since I'm fine was the typical Harry response for anything between 'I'm really fine.' and 'I just broke three bones and punctured a lung but I won't be dying within the next minute and a half or so.' Harry was very nearly telling the truth.

"Are you sure Harry? I can take you to Pomfrey!"

"No! No, Colin I'll be fine."

* * *

Back In The Present

"You're banging head into Roast Chicken because Colin Creevey made you fall down the stairs?"

"No."

"But you just . . ."

"I said that's where it began."

"Well then why are you smashing food with your face?"

"Well sometime after that. . ."

* * *

Sometime After That

"You really should learn to take better care of yourself Mr. Potter."

"I will Madam Pomfrey." The Medi-Witch gave Harry a significant look. It was quite obvious that she didn't believe Harry would. She was probably correct.

"Very well, you are free to go."

Harry Potter determined to leave any the Infirmary at any cost made a beeline for the nearest corridor that would take him out of the nurse's sight. Unfortunately when he reached said corner, he was too busy looking behind him that he missed the fact that Draco Malfoy and his two goons were turning that same corner.

"Oomph. Excuse me."

"I don't think you are excused Potter."

"Oh. It's you Malfoy. In that case I take it back." Malfoy sneered arrogantly in response.

"Boys I think its time we taught Potter a little lesson." Both goons cracked their knuckles in response, but Harry was already moving.

"Protego. Stupefy. Stupefy." Within just a couple seconds the odds had been reduced from three on one to one on one. Malfoy didn't like such odds but he had already made one crucial mistake. He had forgotten, though only for a moment, that he was a pureblood ignorant of all things muggle and that Harry Potter was a muggle-raised half-blood. This mistake while seemingly minor would lead to Draco's downfall. When the odds were still in his favor he had stepped forward to get in Harry's face and in doing so came within arms reach, and that was why Draco Malfoy currently found himself moving toward the corridor wall at an accelerated pace. Physics being what they are, when Draco's face met the wall, the wall won.

With his enemies vanquished Harry Potter began walking away. Unfortunately this would prove to be his undoing because at that moment the painting, whose frame had become acquainted with the Malfoy scion's cranium, was currently obeying the laws of gravity and radial motion. All Harry saw was black.

* * *

Back In The Present Again

"You're head-butting meat because you got a concussion from a painting? You really shouldn't do that Harry. You could make the concussion worse." Hermione lightly scolded.

"No."

"Then why are you attacking the Singing Plimpies? It's very rude you know." The assembled party turned to Luna who was just as peaceful as ever.

"Well a short time afterward . . ."

* * *

A Short Time Afterward

"Mr. Potter twice in one morning. You told me you were going to be more careful. And what do you do? You get in a full fledged fight not two hundred feet from my Infirmary. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I tried to take it easy, but Draco wanted to teach me a lesson. I just defended myself."

"Defended yourself right into unconsciousness."

"It wasn't intentional. When can I leave this time?"

"I'm inclined to keep you for the rest of the day."

"But . . ."

"But I won't. You need to go to classes and that is exactly where you will go. Understood?" Harry quickly nodded eager to leave.

To his own immense relief, Harry managed to make his way to Binns' classroom without major incident. There was an incident involving a ghost, a house-elf and a pile of Trelawney's teacups but that is an entirely different and somewhat disturbing story.

Binns' class progressed oddly though only because Harry was actually awake during it. Pomfrey said his concussion wouldn't be a problem, but he wasn't taking any chances. The day had already been much too dangerous. Fortunately no injuries resulted during the period. Then came Snape's class and Murphy's Law once again came into effect.

The class progressed normally up to and including Neville's melting cauldron. The problem was not so much that Neville's cauldron melted but more where and when it decided to melt. That is where the story picked up.

"Longbottom! You can't even get this simple potion right. It is supposed to be green not purple." Snape unknowingly leaned over the table placing his hands on either side of the cauldron. In retrospect, knowing Neville's luck with cauldrons these actions were probably destined to end badly. As Snape made his way past the second minute of his rant, the ill-fated cauldron decided to make itself known once again. Harry's attention was solidly on his own potion, easily ignoring Neville's problems. Or it was until Snape's girlish scream forced him to look. Instantly Harry knew he was doomed. Neville's potion, melting cauldron and all, was currently flying majestically through the air directly toward him. Witnesses would say that he was trying to duck under the potion, but in truth he was giving up on the day. His head hit the table only slightly before the potion hit him.

* * *

Back In The Present Again Part II

"You're attacking the Singing Plimpies because a potion splashed you? That's really mean. They didn't give you the green boils." Luna looked nearly on the verge of tears at this point.

"No, Luna I'm not attacking the Singing Plimpies." Harry tried to comfort the distraught girl, but she was stubbornly unresponsive.

"Then why Harry?"

"Well a couple minutes after I awoke in the infirmary . . ."

* * *

A Couple Minutes After Harry Awoke In The Infirmary

"Madam Pomfrey. Madam Pomfrey."

"Harry Potter, I see you've awakened. I would have thought it would be at least tomorrow before you found yourself here again." Poppy was quite obviously put out by Harry's reappearance.

"I tried. This really wasn't my fault." Her look was more than a little disbelieving. "Er. . . I have to . . . you know."

"Very well, I'll get you a bed pa . . ."

"No! I mean, I can make it to the bathroom. I'll come right back." Pomfrey looked skeptical but in the end allowed Harry this once concession. After all, he had been having a rather difficult day.

Somewhat surprisingly, Harry did in fact make it successfully to the bathroom without further injury. His good luck would not hold for long though. As he was finishing, an unexpected and quite unwelcome entity decided to make an appearance.

"Hhhaaarrrrrryyyyyyyyyy! You never visit me anymore!" In all fairness it wasn't really the voice that cause Harry's next problem. It was the face of Moaning Myrtle appearing out of a bathroom fixture that he was currently using.

"Ah! Myrtle!" Back Harry went, attempting to put as much distance between himself and the curious ghoul as possible. Unfortunately as was customary with most experiences on that day, this one would not end well. Harry tripped. And he fell on top of Mrs. Norris, who was not happy to say the least. The encounter left Harry with numerous scratches on . . . Let's just say that Harry would definitely count the encounter as a loss.

After Harry had made his way back to the infirmary and had a very uncomfortable discussion with Pomfrey and then after a small nap, he was somewhat impatiently waiting to be dismissed when Pomfrey decided that she and Harry needed to have one last conversation.

"Well Mr. Potter, I must say congratulations."

"Congratulations?"

"Yes, I believe they are in order. You've just tied the Hogwarts record for acquiring the most unrelated treatment requiring injuries in a single day. Congratulations."

* * *

Back In The Present Again Part II B

"Mate, say no more. That explains everything." Harry was incredulous.

"It does?"

"Yep, you're trying to break the record."

* * *

AN: Randomness from my brain what can I say? I thought of this after my uploading problems with the latest chapter of Golden Needle last night, and then got weirder.


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